I'm Sorry I Didn't Say
by moonlightrurouni
Summary: Shikamaru stares blankly at the letter that he found shoved under his front door. Throwing it carelessly on the floor, he numbly walks out of his room. Cloud watching. He needs to spend a good six hours cloud watching, screw work. That and a smoke.


**I'm Sorry I Didn't Say**

_It wasn't my brother's decision to have me transferred to the Anbu. I asked for it, and it isn't the reason why I've been ignoring you. It was because I was afraid of admitting that I don't like you like that anymore. You pissed me off so damn much, you know that you stupid pineapple-head? You didn't take me seriously, on top of the sexist commentary you always ramble about whenever I'm around. And you know what? I realized that I never loved you in the first place, and that it was an infatuation that made me act that way. And when you started acting like you were actually going to return my feelings, I ran. I admit it, I ran. The wind witch of Sunagakure was fucking coward and decided to ignore you instead of being honest and admitting that there were no feelings there anymore. Just forgive me for being a coward, for wasting your time and don't think I'm just being a dramatic little girl, because you know better than anyone that I'm not._

Shikamaru stares blankly at the letter that he found shoved under his front door. Throwing it carelessly on the floor, he numbly walks out of his room. Cloud watching. He needs to spend a good six hours cloud watching, screw work.

That and a smoke.

_:~:_:~_:~:_

When Choji convinced him to ask Ino whether or not she liked him, he didnft actually think that it would result in a real relationship. To be honest, having an intimate relationship with a girl couldn't be any farther down on his list of priorities. And if his mother was any indication, a relationship with a girl would be way too troublesome and stressful for his liking. But, it made her happy, so he supposed it made him happy too.

That's what relationships were supposed to be like, right? Two people sharing in the mutual happiness and contentment that they feel when they are in each other's presence. And that was definitely not what a certain violent kunoichi made him feel.  
She was the number one most troublesome and frightening thing that existed in his life. She'd constantly threaten to take his head off with that ridiculously large fan of her's, and almost exclusively referred to him using her aggravating nicknames. In short, she was the last person he'd think of engaging in a romantic relationship with.

But for some reason, she made him feel things that he didn't around Ino. When she'd leave, he'd always feel like something wasn't quite right when he went about the duties they'd usually do together. When she laughed at him when he was actually making an attempt to be amusing made him feel irrationally smug. When she talked, (more like complained) about little things that irked her, he felt privileged to be one of the only people to know about how she really felt.

And when the spent time staring at the clouds together, he felt like nothing could be wrong with the world.

A feeling which would then be promptly obliterated when she decides that she should start a spontaneous sparring match.

God, that woman was way more trouble than she was worth.

But at the same time, Shikamaru wishes things weren't the way they were so that they could maybe be something more.

_:~:_:~:_

He decides that he won't reply. She's back in Suna's Anbu force, so any letter sent to her would either be subjected to examination or could be intercepted and be used against her. Either would be a troublesome situation to be in. Both are scenarios too embarrassing for his liking.

Sometimes, he likes reminiscing about the random pieces of happiness he experienced during the war. Most of them involve her. The best one was when she told him that he would be a great Hokage. He debated telling her exactly what she meant to him, but with the losses that occurred just moments before, he couldn't, and it wouldn't have been right. Not the time, not the place, not the situation.

But if shogi has taught the new head of the Nara clan anything, it's patience and waiting for the correct moment to make your move.

Unfortunately for him, he waited too long.

_:~:_:~:_

It's been six months since he got her letter. And four days since he got another summoning him and several of the other members of the Konoha 12...10 to Suna

The one day they had to pack their things mostly consisted of him staring aimlessly at the sky from the roof of his house, and throwing random articles of clothing and weaponry into a duffle bag. Judging by how said bag seems relatively organized now makes him suspect his mother went through it in order to make it at least semi-respectable.

The next three days were a blur. He knows that Naruto, TenTen, Lee and Ne-...accompany him, but that's about it. He mechanically follows their lead, running and jumping using pure muscle memory.

When they arrive at Sunagakure, they are greeted by the Kazekage himself, along with his sibling. Giving a nod to the others, he surprises everyone by clapping Shikamaru's shoulder before pulling him into a semi-awkward half hug. Shikamaru stands stunned for a moment before returning it.

Their composure recollected, they get escorted to their sleeping quarters so that they can rest. Shikamaru however, pulls an all nighter. He stays up until dawn writing and rehearsing what he will say, because if he's going to do anything perfect in his life, this god damn speech is going to be one of them.

The funeral is in a couple hours after all.

_:~:_:~:_

Tenten, Kankuro, and Gaara all go before he's called up to the podium in front of the casket. He can't understand for the life of him why the hell he was the one chosen to go last, but Gaara said that's the way it should be, so that's the way it is. But out of all the nerve wracking things he's ever done in his life this is the worst. What if he ruins it all?

Tenten talked about the honorable and skilled kunoichi she was, and how no one could best her in the art of tessenjutsu. Kankuro talked about her dedication to her work, to being a jonin, and to her village. Gaara spoke about her as his ane, as one of his main supports throughout life, and the legacy she'll leave behind.

Shikamaru stiffly delivers his eulogy about her time as ambassador to Konoha and the lasting bonds it has created.

All in all, he hates every second of the funeral.

_:~:_:~:_

"You'd kill us for having a funeral like this."

Shikamaru stares at the coffin in an almost accusing manner. It's been hours since the funeral ended, and he finally has the privacy he wants so that he can say what he needs to.

"Seriously. Troublesome woman. If you could see us now, getting all emotional about you. You'd turn us into mince meat before berating us for being crybabies over something that has to happen eventually anyways."

Shikamaru takes a minute to glare daggers at the offending object before he continues, "You'd tell us that sacrifice is always part of missions, and demand if we got any emotional training so that we could deal with it. You'd ask us if it would be possible to do this with out any crying. And I'd tell you to screw off because it wasn't any sacrifice, it was you, and that yes we've had emotional training, but that information is useless right now and I'm going to cry all I want, and KAMI DAMNIT TEMARI, I was going to choose YOU!"

The bottled up emotions finally overflow, exploding so violently that his agitated chakra causes the shadows in the room to twist. Shikamaru doesn't care though. "You kami accursed, hot-headed, subtle-as-a-rino, ridiculously violent, troublesome woman! I can't believe you up and left before I could tell you!" He fumes as tears threaten to spill down his face. "I was going to choose you..." He murmurs. He takes one last loom at the coffin before departing, leaving only two pieces of evidence of his presence there.

_:~:_:~:_

The next morning, the beam of sunlight that shines through a window lands on the white carnation and forget-me-not lying atop the casket of the Sand's truly free wind witch.

* * *

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto**


End file.
